Have you ever wanted to be an agent for five minutes? Well I'm looking for any willing souls who would do me the honor of shredding my query to pieces. Any and all feedback will be appreciated! Happy hacking!
When a basilisk sinks its teeth into her windshield, college sophomore Hannah Slaughtery thinks she's losing her mind. Too bad her new reality makes her nightmares look like a day at the beach. Catapulted into a world where witches and monsters maintain a secret underground society deep beneath the Colorado Rockies, Hannah must accept the truth about her future even as the lies of her past unravel around her.
Hannah is a witch. But not just any ordinary witch. She's the only living Partizan witch who, along with four other classmates, is charged with the task of leading the forces of good against their evil counterparts, the Formorians. Unfortunately, her classmates can't stand to be in the same room with each other.
In order to compete her transition and tap unleash her full potential, Hannah embarks on a journey to master the five elements. The process, full of danger and pain, has her struggling to survive and wishing for death. But making it through her trials doesn't mean she's safe. Hannah must also face off with the Formorians who have been waiting to finish the job they started the night she was born.
The Partizans, a 79,000 word New Adult paranormal is Breakfast Club meets The Three Musketeers with a supernatural twist. It can stand alone but also has series potential.
When not writing, I am a K-5 school librarian and a member of ALA and SCBWI. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteThis is not my genre so keep that in mind. I don't know what a basilisk is and unless you can guarantee that all agents know that, I would not start with that, or would give a quick descriptive word with it or something. I believe this blurb is too long so it needs tightened.
Your current paragraph 2:
Hannah is a witch. But not just any ordinary witch. She’s the sole Partizan witch who, along with four other students, is charged with the task of leading the forces of good against their evil counterparts, the Formorians. Too bad her new associates can’t stand to be in the same room with each other.
Mine: The sole Partizan witch, Hannah leads four students in the fight against the evil Formorians, but infighting within her troops threatens their mission, and she must dig deep to find the meaning of true leadership.
YOUR PARAGRAPH:
In order to complete her transition to unleash her full potential, Hannah embarks on a journey to master the five elements. The process, full of danger and pain, has her struggling to survive and occasionally wishing for death. But surviving her trials doesn’t mean she’s safe. Hannah must face the Formorians who have been waiting to finish the job they started the night she was born.
MINE: Hannah's journey to master the five elements and unleash her full potential is not only dangerous and painful, but challenges her will to survive, especially when she confronts the Formorians. She triumphs through the struggles, overthrows evil, and forges lasting friendships along the way.
Sarah, remember that you are supposed to include a few lines about yourself. Mention how long you've been writing, whether you're in any professional writing organizations (or mention you attend MWW for craft, possibly). You could say if you have other completed manuscripts to demonstrate your commitment to writing.
I hope this helps. Good luck!
Thanks for the feedback! I'm always a little unsure of what to put in the "bio" section since I am unpublished. A lot of agents say don't put anything unless you have actual credentials.
ReplyDeleteI've heard agents say they want an indication of how serious you are, which membership in writing groups and having other completed manuscripts may demonstrate. They do NOT want to know that your mother loves it!
ReplyDelete