Monday, September 12, 2011

17 year old MC description

Hey all! I'm revising my pages and this is what I came up with to describe my 17 year old protagonist. Let me know if you can get a clear picture of both her and her mother. (Feedback desperately wanted)

I may have my dad’s eyes [denim blue], but the rest of my looks and my inability to lie come straight from my mom. A lot of people say Chloe looks like Isabella Rossellini if Isabella was ever seen wearing white paint splattered overalls and her hair pulled back in a loose, messy ponytail. People say I look like her, and maybe I do, but I definitely lack the undeniable assuredness that radiates from her when she walks in the room. If Chloe's the movie star, I’m the awkward assistant with a pencil behind her ear and a coffee stain on her shirt.

5 comments:

  1. I love "denim blue." Not sure if a 17 year old would say "undeniable assuredness" but then again, I don't know your character at all. Thanks for sharing! You can definitely write!

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  2. I had to stop a moment to realize that Chloe was the mother. I think that's because I expected the 17 year old to reference her mother in title (like mom or mother) and not straight to her first name. Once I got that down, I could somewhat picture the 17 year old, though I had to have some google help by looking up Isabella Rossellini.

    On the other side, your description of her is so poetic she just sounds pretty though a bit unsure of hersel.

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  3. I like it, but without the context of the scene it seems a little jarring. More so due to conventions than the actual writing. What I mean by "conventions" is that normally you want to avoid things that can date your novel. I sort of know who Isabella is because I've seen old movies she's been in. But you could easily replace her name with "movie star" and have the same effect without the need to mention a certain actress.

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  4. Despite not knowing who Isabella is I still got a pretty clear picture in my mind of what these two look like. It may not be the correct picture, but it's clear either way :)

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  5. Thanks everyone! I actually changed it to "My Grams thinks Chloe [mom] looks like a Roman goddess if Roman goddesses wore white paint-splattered overalls and messy ponytails instead of togas and laurel wreaths."

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