Writer Confession: I Survived Being Bullied

(Let me apologize in advance for the length of the post. I hope you will read through anyway. I’ve just finished reading another story about a kid killing himself after being bullied and I can’t stand by and say nothing. A couple years ago, I read a book called, DEAR BULLY, where amazing authors shared their experience with bullying. While I’m not a famous author yet, I have my own story to tell. So, I’m taking a stand. I’m telling my story and I swear, if it stops one kid from going down this path, then it’s worth opening up the wounds of my past. So here goes.)

I've spent my entire adult life trying to forget aspects of my childhood. Things weren't always so great. And I’m sure you’re thinking, “Who’s childhood is great? Everyone has problems.” And you are right.

No one’s life is perfect. But when you look at the headlines and see children as young as SIX YEARS OLD committing suicide, I think it’s safe to say that some people have a more “not perfect” life than others.

When I was in ninth grade, I was the victim of bullies. You wouldn't think I would be a target. I wasn't shy… pretty sure anyone who knew me back then (or now) can attest to that. I was a swimmer and had a good group of friends. Our entire team met at “the shrub” in the morning to gossip, swap vocab answers and wait for the bell to ring. Being on that team meant I had a place in the school social order. I’m not saying it was a super high one, but it was a place. I wasn't a nomad. Seriously, I was set when it came to jumping in to the high school world.

Until I got to Algebra. In my class there was a set of twins. We’ll call them M&M for short. For whatever reason, M&M, who were a year ahead of me, decided they didn't like me. Which is weird because I don’t remember ever talking to them or giving them a reason to hate me. Ever. But eventually I caught on to the glares and the passive aggressive attitudes. The name calls just loud enough for me to hear, but not the teacher. The comments about my “man arm”, which I didn't really think was all that bad. (Remember, I was a swimmer… I had some upper body strength happening.) At one point a classmate flat out told me to make sure I was never alone with them. And before I knew it, I dreaded Algebra.

I remember walking up the stairs to the second floor of the math building, my stomach tightening with each step. I never knew what I was going to walk in to, but I wanted to be in my seat before M&M because then I could pretend they didn't see me shrinking into my chair. For a social butterfly to turn into a timid student who went out of her way not to be noticed in class was unusual. When I forgot myself and laughed, I quickly cut it off, fearful that they would say or do something for my blatant disregard for me “victim” position.

One day, my teacher asked me to stay after class. I felt their warning burning into my scalp. Sure enough, when I glanced behind me, M&M were both giving me the signal that, if I said anything, I was a goner. And so I didn't. When asked if anything was wrong, I said no. When confronted about my falling grades, I tried to brush it off. Several times my teacher pressed me to reveal what was going on and time after time, I refused. There was nothing she could do. Without me spilling the beans about what was going on, her hands were tied. I never told my parents. I didn't tell my friends, though it would have been hard for them not to notice something was going on. But if they did, they didn't say anything, and I don’t blame them. I don’t know if I would have back then. Why would I want to make myself a target?

So, when I didn't say anything, I thought, surely I had earned some brownie points. I had proven I wasn’t a tattler. Now they would forgive whatever they thought I had done to wrong them and my life would go back to normal.

It didn't.

In fact, the next day, one of the girls on my team, who was friends with them, said they had told her to try to drown me at practice. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was one thing to torment me in math. I didn't even like math. But the pool was my home. It was my sanctuary. Nothing could touch me. Until M&M snaked their way into the locker room.

I couldn't breathe. I cried through my entire practice. Finally, an upperclassman asked me what was wrong and I spilled the whole story to him. I couldn't help it. I was tired of carrying everything inside.

I still remember what he said. “No one messes with us. If they want a fight, I've got no problem kickin’ a girl’s ass.” And I felt empowered. I was part of a team. They had my back.

Except that they weren't in my class and, for his wonderful sentiment, there was no way I was going to let my teammate get in trouble for this. So the next time he asked me about it, I lied. I said it was better. It was fine. (For the record, when anyone says something is fine, it’s safe to assume they are lying.)

A few weeks later, I made the unfortunate decision to take a short cut to my next class, which was in the opposite direction from the rest of my friends. And M&M were waiting. My first thought was, “How did they know.” My second thought was, “I’m about to die.”

They cornered me, threatening to throw me down the stairs if I ever said anything to anyone. Remember how I said I was a FRESHMAN. Seriously, at the ripe old age of 13, someone was threatening to kill me. And I completely believed they would do it.

I have to pause right now and tell you that, as I write this, my hands are shaking and the tears are clouding my vision. Every feeling I repressed is struggling to the surface and my body is responding with bursts of adrenaline. This might be a good time to mention that my 20^th reunion took place in 2012.

Okay, so back to the story. The passive threats continued and I didn't know it then, but I was sinking into a depression. I hated going to school and would look for any reason to try to get out of it. Had it not been for swimming, I probably would have skipped, but no school, no practice. And, after M&M’s henchman quit the team, the pool was safe again.

Then a day I never could have predicted came: FIELD TRIP to a nature reserve. Guess who was going… yep. M&M. And it was not shaping up to be a good time. First, a TREATY… yes, a freaking treaty had to be negotiated by a friend. Yeah. You totally read that right. Which, looking back, is ironic because there was no way I was going to go anywhere near them in a nature reserve where we were doing water samples in Florida, home of lots of gators. Still, with the treaty in place, I climbed on the bus and of course the first person I see is M of M&M. I offer a smile, thinking we’re playing nice. She flipped me the bird. Guess I was wrong.

I survived the day, but that night, I thought about everything and how I could stand being tormented like this anymore. I was living in fear and I didn't see a way out. I won’t say I ever reached the point where I thought killing myself was an option. But if M&M’s parental unit hadn't been transferred to Miami, I don’t know what would have happened. Everything was on the table at that moment. I was desperate and I felt so alone. Fear became my constant companion and everything was tainted by it.

As it was, they did move. And I could breathe again. But a part of me was still looking over my shoulder. I barely passed math and the lack of foundation would kick my butt my senior year when I had Pre-Calc. And a part of me wanted M&M to arrive as the new girls in school at Miami and get their asses handed to them on a platter. I wanted revenge. I wanted them to know what it was like to be afraid every single day.

I don’t know what happened to M&M. And if I were given a chance to meet them as the me I have become, I don’t know what would happen. Because there is still that scared 13 year old in here. But there is also a strong and powerful woman who has learned that the worst thing we can do is be silent. As a victim, I wish I would have spoken up. As a friend, I wish someone would have stood up for me. As an educator, I wish no child ever has to feel afraid that a peer will harm them, especially at school. As a mom, I wish children were more aware of their actions. And as a human being, I wish people knew that their actions have consequences and that allowing for an environment where children feel they have no other way out than death is a crime against us all.

So BE FEARLESS when you see someone who needs your help. BE FEARLESS and share your own stories. And if you’re a writer and/or a blogger, I urge you to share your story so that hopefully someone will realize that life does actually get better and that someone does care about them. Maybe, just maybe, we can turn the tide of childhood suicide so that no mother will ever bury her child because of the playground bully again.

Cover Reveal!

I'm getting this post up under the wire, but I'm so excited to be a part of Jen Naumann's cover reveal! Jen and I blog together over on The Writer Diaries and she is a crazy talented writer!

But before I do the unveiling, here's a little teaser for Paranormal Keepers :

Everyone thinks Harper Young killed her boyfriend. No one will say it to her face, but the signs are everywhere.

It’s almost been a year since Gavin was torn from Harper’s arms and brutally murdered. The police wrote it off as a freak accident, deciding Harper’s strange testimony was given under duress. But she knows something unnatural was involved and refuses to stop looking until she finds his killer, even if it means her reputation as a senior is ruined. Even if it means there really are monsters living among us.

With the discovery of the mothmen, witches, vampires and all the creatures she always suspected were out there, Harper finds herself amidst a complex bundle of unseen heroes who call themselves "Keepers", sworn to keep the secret of the paranormal creatures that walk this earth. As she tries to understand what’s so special about her that she’s able to break an old Keeper law, Harper has a baffling vision of kissing a mysterious guy before a blade is brought down on him. Before she can get a handle on her future, she becomes central to a battle between the questionable “heroes” and the evil she’s been training to fight, leaving her to wonder if there’s any way to change the fate that has been foretold before it’s too late.

Amazing! Paranormal Keepers comes out March 4, 2014 from Phantom Owl Press!
Now, what you've been waiting for....

And waiting for...

Bam! Here you go!

HOLY SMOKES!!! Look at those eyes! 

Don't forget, March 4, 2014 is the release date!

Thanks, Jen for letting me be a part of this big day!

Gratitude

I’m taking a break from my normal writing posts to comment about gratitude.  No, it’s not Thanksgiving and you haven’t missed the entire year.

The truth is, I have realized just how easy it is for people to lose sight of what is important in the world. I think it was the arrest of Justin Beiber that made me stop to take inventory. Can you say #firstworldproblem? Out of exhaustion from the 24 hour a day news cycle, I decided to unplugged and reflect on the concept of gratitude.

It was harder than I thought it would be. You have no ideas how many “problems” I had to muddle through before I could get down to the nitty gritty. But even those problems, when looked at from a different POV, have hidden moments of gratitude.

For example, last month, my husband hit a deer and then a few weeks later, a guard rail. Between the two accidents, we had almost $10K in damaged to our car. And, because the accidents happened during two separate incidents, we have to pay 2 deductibles. That’s a chunk of change not in our monthly budget. But through some re-arranging and prioritizing and more eating in, less eating out, we have the money for the repair and the remainder of the car rental not covered by our insurance. Let’s not overlook the fact that we have insurance in the first place. We have a warm home that protects us from the -40 degree wind chill that is sweeping through the Midwest as I type. We have the food to keep us healthy and should we become ill, insurance and a health savings account to cover trips to the doctor.

Don’t get me wrong: we are by no means rich, but we have the means needed to live a secure life.

So why is it that I have a hard time being content? I’m staring down the barrel at the big 4-0 and there aren’t a lot of things I would change. I have a husband who adores me (and puts up with me), two children who are empathetic and smart (and probably a little bit spoiled), I’m less than a year from seeing my life dream of being a published author come into being and I finally feel like I am coming into my own when it comes to writing. Add to that a handful of extremely close friends (you know, the ones who know too much about you to ever be your enemy) and an even larger circle of people I enjoy being around. Our needs are covered and most of our wants, so what else is there?

I think my goal in the next year is to focus on the things that matter most and let go of the things that are #firstworldproblems. So go forth, my friends and BE FEARLESS when you face what really matters in your life! I think you might find yourself a lot less stressed if you do!

Being Fearless

Indiana is bracing for record breaking cold and blizzard like conditions. And something about the enormity of the weather has got me thinking about 2014 mantra I've adopted.

For years, I've signed off almost every blog post with BE PASSIONATE. This year, I decided I needed to change it up so I decided on BE BRAVE. It seemed appropriate. I am embarking on a new stage in my life and there will be times I will need to step out of my comfort zone and do things a wanna-be hermit would never do.

So BRAVE made sense. And then I saw this:

And I realized BRAVE isn't enough. I need to be FEARLESS. While I think some of these people might be a little crazy, each and every one of them started with a single flip. And each of them probably slammed into a cliff or broke a bone or endured some other painful experience. But they got up and did it again. And again. And again. Until it wasn't about being brave. It was about not letting fear determine how close to the sun you will soar or the depth you will dive to do the thing that drives you, that excites you. 

We live in a world of fear. Of things we don't know, don't understand. And as a species, we have belittled, conquered and even killed out of fear. And yes, maybe those are the extreme, but I'm a writer and that's how we roll. Perhaps fear has stopped us from reaching out to people because they might not want to be our friends. Maybe fear has kept us from following a job or a boy or doing something else that requires us to open up and be vulnerable. To do something that's a risk. Maybe fear has even made us afraid to be who we really are. 

But fear is all in our head, and yes, for those of you who know me well, I am the pot in this kettle/pot scenario, but if I can conquer my fears, there is nothing to hold me back from taking the life and the time I have been blessed with to new heights. So, my friends, I wish you to BE FEARLESS in whatever it is that moves you. Whether it's base jumping, sending your cherished manuscript out into the world to face the probability of rejection, or letting go of your past so it stops messing up your future, conquer whatever it is that holds you back! 

Welcome, Everyone, to 2014!

As the ball dropped in Times Square, kidlet #1, who, in all fairness, is my more visibly emotional child, broke down in tears. When pressed as to what was the matter, he’s simple reply was, “I’m going to miss 2013.”

I had to stop myself from saying, “Well I won’t” because a. I’m working on being a supportive mom, b. he was tired, and c. I wasn't exactly sure why I wouldn't miss it.

Last year has a special place in my life timeline, especially in the world of writing, but also in my personal life. As I have said about 100 times, I found MY agent, who is awesome. I even got a couple book offers as the year closed out. I started another book that has me excited to get back to it and I think I've finally found my “voice” for writing.

The kidlets have both reached the age of conversation with me, but also with each other. They’re so close together in age that I swear they speak a language I don’t understand. My husband says they speak boy. Mystery solved. In addition to having chats, I am seeing their wonderful and very different personalities starting to come into their own and yes, I have my hands full.

Life wasn't always great this year. There was enough family drama to kill a camel, but still, that didn't answer the question of why I was glad the New Year had finally arrived. And then it hit me.

 

I wasn't happy 2013 was over. I was excited that 2014 was here. This is a big year for me. I turn 40. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I have earned every wrinkle laugh line and have some pretty great adventures in my scrapbook. Did I mention that a childhood dream of becoming a published author will be coming true this fall. What? I have? Get used to it. I have lots of self-promotion plans in the works.

But even more than these two moments, I think, for the first time, I am excited about the unknown. This is indeed very odd for me as I am a girl who needs a plan. I don’t really care if the plan gets pulled off perfectly, but for the love of everything that is holy, I need a plan.

That being said, I am looking forward to the unknown. Of celebrating the successes of my friends and knowing that, while not everything works out the way we want it to, there is always a plan. So good-bye 2013. It has been a year worth remembering, but not one worth crying over. It is the past and I am a better person because of it, but it does not define me or any of us.

And before I go, I realize that there have been one or two Downton Abbey-esque phrases turned here or there, and for that, you are welcome, but remember, no matter what life throws at you, BE BRAVE. (Yes, BE PASSIONATE has been retired for 2014.)

A Writer Walks Into A Marketing Meeting and Bangs Head on Desk

On Tuesday I posted a “Tuesday Topic” over on The Writer Diaries that was all about Marketing. This is a topic that has been on my mind a lot! When I was discussing this issue with my awesome agent, she said, “Think about how people in Nebraska are going to find out about your book.” Now, I should mention that I actually have family in Nebraska, so at least they will know, but beyond that, I see her point.

So the question remains: How does a Writer, with no marketing experience and a very limited budget, help their book make a splash in the enormous literary ocean?

Gone are the days of PR campaigns for debut authors. Oh, I’m sure some lucky blokes can wrangle some attention grabbing events from their publishers, but for most authors, we have to force our creativity off the page and into the business world of the industry. It’s just the way of the business.

Now, while I don’t have my marketing campaign figured out… or even thought about in complete sentences, I have come up with a list of directions I want to approach while drafting my plan of attack:

1. Grassroots. Many moons ago, I was a political campaign manager. Okay, that sounds really grand. What I actually did was run a state-wide campaign for the State Auditor position. Do you know how boring the State Auditor position is to voters? In a word: excruciating. But, when the votes were counted, our campaign had the closest margin of the other statewides. Never mind that we lost. More people voted for us (percentage wise) than any of the other “flashy” offices. Why? Grassroots. I live in a farming state and my candidate was a former watermelon farmer. So we hooked up a tractor, loaded a truck full of watermelon and took our message to the people.  We hit almost every county in the state. We didn’t win, but by the end of the campaign, people knew who we were and, generally, they liked us. Maybe not enough to actually cast a vote for us, but they liked the watermelon.

 

2. Working with the mainstream. I will do the press packet. I will submit as many articles as I can think of to write to a variety of publications. I will send press releases to all the alumni mags I can. I won’t like this part as much as the next, but I will do it because, if I can land an article in a regional or even national publication, more than just my family might start talking about this awesome book.

 

 

3. Looking for “outside of the box” places to promote my book. The other night, while I was cheering on our school team to a b-ball victory… Go Crusaders!!... I had a chance to catch up with a friend who happens to work at the local Wellness Center which has a full-service spa, rehabilitation center and state of the art workout facilities. When I mentioned the book was coming out in October, she was so excited. She's known me since I started penning my first book... in other words, a long time. She knew this was a big deal. And she also knew how we could help each other. She's starting a 2014 program that will focus on a the 6 aspects of health, including Intellectual (like reading a book) and Social (like being in a book club and talking about a book... with food, of course... probably healthy). So she's going to put the book in the gym AND use it as the book club book.  Every single person who walks in to that center will see my book on display. And you can bet I will have the QR code on the sign for people to buy the e-book. Out of the box thinking!

4. Getting to know the people who know books. I'm lucky. I live in a part of the country where there are ten major metropolitan cities within driving distance. It might not be NYC, but it's not bad. And everyone of those metros have booksellers... and not just any booksellers, but Independents. Normally owned by the same person manning the store. Even though I might feel a little like a snake-oil salesperson, you can bet that I am going to do everything I can to meet with those people who stock the shelves. How am I going to get people in Nebraska to find out about my book? Well, I'll probably visit my family and just happen to stop in to a bookstore and pick up a must-have novel. And that family vacation to Florida? We are so driving and stopping at shops along the way. Can you say ROAD TRIP?

There are more plans, but I don't want to give them all away right now. I have to keep you hanging on for the next installment! In the meantime, how are you going to spread the word about the things YOU'RE Passionate about?

Biggest News Ever!

Okay, perhaps the Camp David Peace Accords and the end to WWII were bigger news, but for me, the writer, this is the biggest news to date!

I have accepted a publishing offer!

 

 

Thank you! Thank you so much!

 

Now, please, wipe your eyes of joy and hear me out... The amazing publisher is Strange Chemistry and we're looking at a Fall 2014 release date.

  

 

 

I KNOW, RIGHT!

 

 I can't tell you how excited I am! Of course, I owe a HUGE thanks to my agent, Liza Fleissig from Liza Royce Agency for all her words of encouragement, belief and also talking me down off the ledge a time or two... or three.

I'm sure over the next several months, there will be all sorts of observations from behind the publishing curtain, but for now, I'm just going to bask in the glow of years of hard work and rejection paying off!

Please, whatever you do, Be Passionate!